Editor’s notes: Ray was first sentenced for four years in 2011 for gang fighting (aggressive assault with weapon) and sentenced in 2014 for twenty five years in solitary confinement for aggressive assault on
public servant. This post is about the beginning of his solitary confinement when he was transferred to a new unit after the incident in 2014.

By Ray Eric Esparza

If you are reading this, prison sucks. Truly, it does. The movies can’t define the reality of prison. If you were to actually attach a camera to a prisoner, you would see the penitentiary on fire. You may call
it Hades, the underworld, or just plain scum of the earth. No lie! You’ll see…

I was 19 years old, full of energy. In my head, I’m fighting. Fuck what they’re talking about? I’m a gangsta, real talk. On the bus, on the way to Garza West intake. Didn’t last a week on G2* status.
I split this guy’s head open in the chow hall and laughed about it the whole way to G5* lockup. This is the beginning, but it’s also close to the end. I was moving so fast, I didn’t care. So what!
I’m gone to prison. What more can they do? Fuck that, I’m a gangsta, always with the gangsta deal. So young and so full of evil. Would you call a gangsta a monster? Think on it…

Finally, G4 status! Damn hoes wouldn’t let a Mexican go by. By that time, I had been through some shit. I tried to stick to myself, but sometimes when evil meets evil head-on, well, well, it’s a perfect match for destruction. It all started with a friend, and it really changed my life. I told myself, “He’s one of ours. Fuck that, retaliation is a must when you mess with us.” And I made that person bleed. The paper said 15 puncture wounds. The security officer said, “Hey, you know you are going to die in prison?” I was gassed so much I couldn’t see shit. I felt the heat of the sun, heard voices, but I couldn’t tell who. I was asked questions to no avail. I was thrown in a cell, naked, full of gas. I stuck my head in the sink to get the gas off. It only burned more! They turned the water off. I stuck my head in the toilet and flushed. They turned that off too. I tried to open my eyes, screamed in agony, called out, but no answer… Such burning…

Later, a security officer asked me who I was. I shook my head. He had more questions. I told him I didn’t know what he was talking about. He laughed about that. They put chains on me. When they put shackles on me, my wrists were chained to my feet. Barely able to walk, they had to help me get on the van. When I got there, a security officer asked me, “Why?” I shook my head. He said, “Welcome to ad-seg.” So, this is where I enter the dungeon. So many security officers escorting me to one cell.

They sent a pretty girl to talk to me. I wouldn’t talk. My cell was like a tomb. The whole door looked sealed shut. Plexiglass on top, bullet hole metal. Same thing on the window. It was dark. The voices started. Damn, it’s cold! For days, I was not fed. They skipped me. I told the security officer I needed a blanket. He asked me if I was cold. I said, “Yeah.” He told me to do jumping jacks. I got so cold that
I tore open the mattress and slept inside. When they saw that, it was taken from me. It was the only thing I had. I couldn’t bathe. When they finally gave me a shower, the water was so hot it just inflamed the gas more. I came back to my cell, burning.

What would you do if darkness consumed you? Would you become dark? Would you be called the abyss? It’s how I felt—so dark and lost, lonely. Only voices were heard. I had nothing. I spoke with no one. I didn’t know what to do. All my belongings were taken by a security officer at Allred. All my pictures were lost, letters too. I had nothing. I felt empty. Even my family was distant. What could I do?

For days, I didn’t know what to do. I slept, stared at the ceiling, lived in this darkness that was slowly consuming me, little by little. I even grew distant from my own people in prison. I didn’t know how to cope.

At first, I couldn’t go anywhere. I was stuck in a dark cell for damn near 24 hours. Honestly, I wouldn’t go to rec or shower. I just got lost in my cell. Days, weeks, months passed. I was so distant. The voices, damn! They wouldn’t stop. Please! Please! Shut up! Just please go away! You are pathetic! Weak! So weak! Pussy! Get up! I hear you, but I can’t! I just can’t! Yes, you can! I have nothing left! So what! A battle within myself. I was having a war. I was fighting with myself. So sad that this is true. When you live in darkness, you get consumed by it. It hurts to the point that it takes from you. It hurts so bad that you go into shock and can’t feel anything. Such pain, such despair. What would you do? Can you feel the pain? Can you feel my pain? Can you feel the coldness of the dark? There is no warmth, there is no light. Will somebody please help me? No answer, nothing!

This is how solitary confinement feels. It’s like this place is dark. There will be all kinds of thoughts, some evil, some good, some confusing, and it just overwhelms you, truly it does. You get hit day by day, and
it hurts. Be strong, fight. Keep fighting, which I did. Every day, I had internal battles with myself. Every day, I fought myself to no avail. I was lost in the darkness, so lost. I couldn’t see that there was light,
that the light was there in front of me. For a moment, I was blind.

But then I spoke for the first time. I spoke to one of my own. He tells me, “Where you been at, Mexican?” I told him, “Just chilling in my cell.” Little did he know that I didn’t know how to deal with this place.
He actually made me laugh that day, and I saw a glimmer of light. He’s like, “This place is what you make of it, Mexican. Go to rec.” I go. He went to commissary that day, gave me an ice cream. Back in my cell,
I saw light through the window. It made me happy. The voices were just people talking in reality because there are more people in solitary confinement with you. I thought I was stupid. How could I let such weakness consume me? The darkness was weakness. The darkness was me. But now I am free.

After this, I adapted. I communicated with other people. Letters came from my mother. I started drawing, working out. I had adjusted. I’m 20 now, and my birthday was coming up. A friend made fun of me, said I wasn’t old enough to drink. I told him, “Na,” but stopped myself because I remembered the 21-year-old rule. I just laughed ’cause it was true. They got me drunk, sent food. I had fun while in prison. No more darkness, no more pain. Just willingness to live, to make it day by day until I made it home, which felt so far away. But this is still the beginning. What is life if there are no bumps on the road? Ahhh, great question. Tell me, have you seen the darkness? Don’t stare for too long. It will consume you… Don’t stare for too long, I tell you! Just please, just don’t, or be lost. Till next time…

G2: General Population Level 2 (G2) 4. General Population Level 2 (J2) Refers to offenders who may live in dorms or cells inside the security fence. They may work outside the security fence under direct armed supervision.

G5: General Population Level 5 (G5) or (J5) custody refers to offenders who have assaultive or aggressive disciplinary records.