By Ray Eric Esparza and Iris Yim

Editor’s note: This is taken directly from our correspondence, an exchange of values, beliefs and virtues, during which I was quite blunt in refuting Ray’s beliefs. But he took it quite well.
I found it interesting because it’s not quite often that I would engage in a conversation about virtues, let alone with a former gangster.

05/15 – Ray:

I was going to tell you, I live by loyalty, honesty, respect, and honor. I live/breathe/bleed these words. This is who I am, how I define my character, by these words. So if I give you my loyalty, it means a lot, and it matters not if we don’t talk or are far apart. We could not even be friends anymore, but that loyalty will remain. Dishonor would kill me inside. This is just how I was made; I don’t know why or how, but this is who I am. I can’t simply change this, nor could anybody else. Have you ever heard of the nine noble virtues? I love these words also, Iris. Good principles. You can look them up, read them, and tell me what you think about them.

05/16 – Iris:

I looked up the 9 noble virtues. I think they are nice virtues. For me, they are a bit elusive because everyone’s interpretation and implementation can be different. In my world, it is much simpler.
Confucius said, “Don’t do unto others what you don’t want to be done unto you.” It’s as simple as that. I believe in kindness. If we can all be kind to each other, there would be no conflicts. Another thing is reliability. There is no easier way to lose my trust and respect if someone says he/she is going to do something and under deliver or not deliver at all. I mean, if I can’t trust someone’s words, what else is left? And if all the religious people would just live by the words they said in church or place of worship, there would have been no religious wars, there would be no killings, and there would be world peace. Sorry, I am a bit cynical about religions. People who are very religious also tend to be judgmental and biased because they think they are in the right. What’s right is subjective, that’s why there are religious wars. I also meant to say, as far as I’m concerned, gangs in prison or outside are fighting over nonsense just like Henning and Viveka. They fight every day. Except that gang fighting is larger at scale and involves bloodshed. I’m also surprised that the feds house members of the same gang together. I would break them all up and keep them busy. As I have often told Henning and Viveka, if they have to worry about food for tomorrow or having a roof over their head tomorrow, they would have no time and no mood to fight. Sorry about being blunt. I’m afraid I just ripped your belief system apart. Chinese philosophy encourages looking inward and self-cultivation. Zengzi said, “I examine myself three times every day. Have I been true to other people’s interests when acting on their behalf?
Have I been sincere in my interactions with friends? Have I practiced what I have been taught?” So there is not so much emphasis on virtues versus actions and self-cultivation. And I also think that, in a way,
it allows me to be open-minded because I don’t see the world in black and white. I would have no problem being friends with a murderer and treating him/her the same as everyone else, as long as at the point that we meet, he/she is a good person. I cannot care less about the past. I look forward, not back.

05/17 – Ray:

Just got your email today, Iris. You are a really good female. Your mind is really great. I like talking to you; we have very different points of view on everything. It’s OK to be blunt; I always enjoy our conversations.
No worries, I always keep an open mind to everything, Iris. If you only knew, but in my experience, I have had to look at things from many perspectives to solve an issue, then make the best choice by those views. Can you imagine making the wrong choice, then destruction, or making the right choice, then peace? I remember going through these dilemmas, many different views written to me. Then they would be like, “Pick the right one, choose wisely.” But whatever outcome it may be, we will face it together. I made the right choice; there was peace afterwards, but I was sweating my ass off thinking, “Fuck! If I made the wrong choice, hell, it would be literally hell.” But your mind is really great. Ahh! You are right on the keeping of your words; you see, honor takes place into this. That’s why I love this word so much; it applies in many forms. So if I give you my word, I have to honor it. To not deliver would be dishonorable on keeping your word. So we Mexicans actually have a saying when we give our word, we say, “Te doy mi palabra de Mexicano” (I give you my Mexican word).

You know, as I got older, I started to actually think, why are we fighting? If you go back to my email, you will see where I mention the 18 Street Gang. I said it’s crazy because we are actually the same thing, just a different neighborhood. It’s true; they are Southsiders too and fall under the same thing. So I thought, we are being childish, fighting because I want this color crayon and you want the other. “My color is better, my side is stronger,” and on it went. I remember thinking this later on in life. So later, I had friends that wore red, and my colors are Navy blue. One of mine said, “Homie, that fool is east side.” I’m like,
“So what?” “But he’s red.” I’m like, “Homie, if you’re going to fight him, run it! But one on one.” He’s like, “What?” I’m like, “You heard what the fuck I said. So, what are you going to do, homie?” That’s what I thought!

Speaking of fighting, I didn’t always get along with my gang. I’m going to tell you this story. So, I had been gone for a while from my hood. I come back and go to my homie Lil Joker and Scrappy’s house. They’re there, but they’re trying to connect. This female was there, which was my homie 8ball’s girl; she rides with us. They connect, they’re like, “You want a hit?” I’m like, “Nah, I’m good. Do your thing, homie. I’m a thug it out today.” So when we get back, 8ball is drunk, and when he’s drunk, he gets crazy. He doesn’t even remember me. So when I get out, he’s like, “Who the fuck are you, ESE?” I just snicker because I know what’s next, so I’m getting ready. I’m not much for words when action is necessary. So he looks at his girl; she says, “Baby!” He’s like, “Bitch, what the fuck you doing? Get the fuck inside!”
Then he addresses Lil Joker and his brother, which Scrappy runs inside. 8ball tells Joker, “Who’s getting checked first?” Lil Joker looks at me and gives me a face like, “Fuck!” So I’m like, “I’ll go first.”
This fool is talking cash money, so I’m like, “Run it!” I take off. As I’m fighting, this guy is blowing air out his mouth every time he throws a punch, like “psssh!” I’m thinking, this fool has been watching too much TV. I begin to crush this guy; I’m hitting his ribs. This guy is crazy; he says, “Eat them ribs, homie! Stupid!” But I crush his game; he gets up bleeding. But Lil Joker gives him no time; his fight is shorter because
he knocks 8ball out cold! The fool wakes up and calls him out again, “What the hell!” Joker knocks him out again in the middle of the road. So what are we fighting for, Iris? How foolish is this? I grew up, Iris.
I honestly grew up and began to question my life as a gangster. What life is this???

Iris, I’m telling you this because I understand my life was wrong. I always look to my past so that I remember this is not who I no longer want to be. I look to my past so that I can make better choices as a man. I’ve grown, but I’m still growing, learning to be better, Iris. I actually do remember that saying you said; I had to go look it up again. Those are really wise words, which I respect. So I understand your point of view on things. Everyone is different, Iris. No one is wired the same; we may have similarities in things, but we’re all different. So religions, you see, my people are Christian. I honestly never been good with that, so I try myself to do right, but what is right? And what is wrong? What if what you thought was right is wrong? Should I follow my heart as a guide to righteousness? So many questions, so many perspectives, think about it. You have a great heart, Iris, truly you do. I live with murderers, but as I’ve said in the past, they are not necessarily cold-blooded murderers. What if someone tried to hurt your loved one, and you kill the guy by accident? Is that murder? This is just an example, Iris. There are so many more. So I don’t judge anybody; who am I to judge anybody considering what I’ve done? No one is perfect; we all make mistakes. Everybody deserves a chance…